Current mood:

contemplative

i hope for a life that is alot simpler then the one i have now. i do not blame anyone but myself for the fact that it consists of so many different avenues that r all slowly taking its toll. i mean simpler not only in terms of less complications, controversy and the need to squeeze so many different activities into the week but also that of material possessions.

i wonder why i cant save, but how can u when ur constantly buying new clothes or a new item or going out to expensive lunches or buying the luxury stuff that u really dont need but u want anyway, the minute u have that little bit of extra money in the bank. do i even really need a net connection at home? $60 a month, when even tho i got it for uni i really just use it for msn, to check email or to read lj. i need it for uni on the occasions i have assignments but surely i can go elsewhere to get the info off the web. i find so much of my time is wasted sitting at this computer, the motivation to do other things vanishes the second i sit here. the net is going to go. im going to resist the urge to spend money on the so called luxury items that i really dont need i just want. it sounds so stupid, alot of ppl would think how hard can it really be, but once u start the satisfaction with just the 'necessities of life' disappear. i want this to change.

i want to do the things i want to do. i dont want to b always thinking that if i do such and such im going to annoy so and so, if that makes sense. its like a constant guilt that u cant get rid of. i find my mind constantly working out time. time of when i can do things and the things i have to do. it doesnt matter what ppl say, because even tho they act like it doesnt matter (or somtimes they do it depends) you know it does. sometimes i even feel guilty about saying what im doing that day or what i want to do cos im meant to b doing something else with someone else. just writing this seems so complicated.

then there is the relationship i have with mum. i mean when we get on well its really good, but it will take one little thing and then the good run is ova and the hurtful words come out. im tired of it. most ppl that meet her think she is this happy go lucky cool mum etc etc and yes it does seem that way, but myself and a few others know the other side of her. my mum has no shame, she will say it how it is and she will b rude, sometimes without even knowing it. im always thinking and hoping she wont say anything to embarrass me, not in that embarrassing childhood story way, i dont care about that, but in the way of saying things that you just dont say in front of other ppl or to other ppl. she's done it a few times now, maybe more then a few. i dont understand how a mother can do that or not think about the consequences of what she says. i hate arguments and i hate conflict but she just knows how to push my buttons. we r just not on the same wavelength and we never will b, we r too different. and its all good and well to say just agree with what she says or just dont set her off or any of that but it doesnt always work, or rarely works actually. i wish i had a good calm bondy relationship with her. doesnt she want the same? moving out is not an option either, at least not for now. i really do have it good at home, i dont take that fact for granted but i would give it all up in a second to just have some peace.

then there is the issue of weight, which ever so often seems to b always in the picture. my whole life has been a constant battle with weight. and yes i have lost most of it finally but then its a constant worry of staying where i am now. unfortunately i have not been blessed with the skinny can eat almost anything and not put on weight gene and to stay the way i am i have to work hard at it and b very conscious of it. its always in the back of my mind. and i have been slack lately about it and am now finding it is getting me down. its like i want to say fuck it i will eat what i want and do what i want but on the other hand i know i cant do that. i dont feel good about my weight and the habits i have atm. i also dont want anyone in my ear about it either. the more ppl go on about it the more u want to rebel against them rather then the problem at hand. within our group i find that weight is a constant focus. one of us is always talking about it. how we have put on weight, how we need to lose weight, how we have to watch this, how we have lost weight, how we keep losing weight, the list goes on. some ppl mite b rolling their eyes at this rite now, and i dont want to judge or assume but if u havent been through this u cant relate to what i am saying and understand it from my perspective. even when i read this i think its so stupid to think this way, how hard can it really b. but it is.

society and its constant relationship to time. i dont see it as getting any better, if anything worse.

i recieved an email from a friend the other day and it was a really good eye opener. probably why im thinking about all this out loud now, releasing all the built up tension from it. this is the email :

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.

From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched Jeopardy! On television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gasp and stammer "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because we cram so much into our lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect:

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained.

We'll entertain-when we replace the living-room carpet.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer.

One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on" and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas.

Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my hips with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process.

The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list.

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round Or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last.

When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, Do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head?

You'd better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. When you run so fast to get somewhere, you miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day, It is like an unopened gift....Thrown away... Life is not a race. Take it slower.